Is it possible to be well-adjusted just because you have to?

I really don’t know why God chose me.

Sometimes I wish He hadn’t. Cause I don’t feel worthy. I don’t like that there’s a price and a gift that I can never repay, or cancel out. And, I mean, I get it. But, man, it would almost be easier if He hadn’t. If I had been able to take all the hate and rage and bitterness with me to my early grave. At least then I would have gotten what I deserved. Wouldn’t be under some God that expects the most impossible things from me. Expects me to be secure, and solid and trusting. Sometimes, sometimes I just can’t! I can’t and I don’t want to.

And I feel like He loves me too much. Puts too much into me. Into our relationship. The way He is with me. How gentle and loving He approaches me. Like I’m so gentle, and He can’t move slow enough, because I might break.

And other times, other times I think that He’s rougher with me. And I know it’s me, because He never changes. It’s always my attitude. And I feel like collapsing into tears so much lately. But I won’t, because that’s weak. It’s not what a strong person does. There is no last straw for those that bear others’ secrets. Nor that bear their own.

God, I don’t know what to do with this love. You can’t expect me to handle this well. Why do you want so much of me? So much for me? Why isn’t it enough to just save my soul? Why isn’t it enough to call my name? Why can’t you be satisfied with the least of me?

What is it that you see that’s worth preserving? That’s worth dying for? Why do you take pity on me?

I just want to scream and pull at my hair and question Him. But I can’t face Him. I just think about Job, and how God responded to him. I don’t want to darken the counsel of the Creator of the universe without wisdom and understanding.

I don’t get it God. I just don’t freaking get it!