I have been busting my butt looking for work in all the right/wrong/long shot places. And where do I find it? In front of my face(s) (you know, to make it rhyme).

What else? I am learning things about myself that make me a little uncomfortable. Okay, a lot of uncomfortable.

There were the things that I mostly already knew. Like, I like having a plan because that means that I am in charge and will know immediately if there is any deviation. Knew that. Didn’t know, that when I don’t have a plan on my person, I notice. Today, I realized that I did not have a list of who was supposed to be doing Kid’s Church. So, if anyone asked me, I would not have been able to answer honestly…Does that rock anybody else’s boat? I was mentally chastising myself for not writing the names in my planner (which, by the way, I did have with me).

I do not trust God. I trust Him for salvation (most of the time). I trust Him to provide (usually). But, that’s pretty much where it stops. I am firm. I know there is a God. I know who He revealed himself to be. I know that He is just and good and righteous. I am firm in these things. But I don’t trust Him to fulfill my emotional needs. I don’t rely on Him when I have a bad day besides knowing that He cares, yet going elsewhere to ease whatever ache I feel. I am assured of His consistency. But I cannot recall times when I have sought, relied on, or experienced emotional support from Him. I mean, that’s hard to do when I don’t go to Him. Peace has come. But not really relief.

My self diagnosis is that I trust His actions, His motives, and His character. But, He doesn’t seem emotional to me. I know He wept. I know His heart was grieved. I know He turned His face away in anger. But his emotions don’t make sense to me. He always knows how things will end, always and forever. So I have a hard time trusting in that. Like Donny said, “If it’s not a logical pain to me, then I won’t cry.” If He knows all, then how is any pain not logical, not simple, not purposeful. How is it worth crying over?

All that to say, I need to understand that. Because how can I trust His Creation’s emotions, if I don’t trust His? How can I rely on a human if I can’t rely on the One who made him or her? How could I ever relate? How could I ever sympathize? How could I ever marry?

Is it even okay for God to be sad? Is it even plausible?