All of the issues I never knew I had.

Ever since Campus Harvest at the end of March, God has really been showing me why I operate certain ways. I really think He was going to resolve one issue and then move on, but I keep not wanting to go into any of them. The result is that now there are about 5 files open, and I’m really nervous about opening any more.  I gotta deal with these now before bigger fish get fried. So, here’s a snippet from the current issues I never knew I had.

Relational: Alright, in trying to be fair, I KNEW I had issues with this. I mean, the first 5 years of my life could be a Lifetime movie. But I thought those issues only pertained to parental bonding. Now, that’s not a trivial thing. Parental bonding problems stir up relationships between (obviously) me and my parents. The connecting tissues also reach to my role as a parent, how I’ll relate to, raise, rebuke my children. It relates to my relationship with my spouse. My relationship with my family members closest to my immediate family. Since none of those things have personally happened to me yet (though I think I still want them) it affects me in the same ways, but from a single perspective. Example: As a nanny, how I relate to the children I oversee. How I relate to my joyfully married bosses. The way I view and process discipline and communication in their home. It seems I am continually battling against these mindsets.

Outside of that, my relationships with anybody, and I mean anybody, that could potentially be a mate are hard to regulate. Only exacerbated by my interpretation of what healthy relationships should look like. My pendulum swings about 30 different ways. Half of them completely synonymous with apathetic. Which makes keeping up with my brothers’ lives ohsomuchfun.

In other news, I am a vain, vain human. I have never been very boastful. A jerk, yeah. But not really boastful. Due to that, I thought I was humble. Terrible assumption. It’s not that I was humble, but that I appreciated being behind the scenes because then, well, without me it really would not have been possible. I’m in no way downplaying my role, or feeling guilty for the particular leanings that God gave me (or that I enjoy and will continue to operate in them), I’m just saying that I’ve enjoyed being behind the scenes because it feeds my ego well above being center stage. Who knew?

Well, I gotta rouse the kiddos from nap. I guess we’ll pick this up later. Pray for me!