I’m just back on it!

So, yeah.

I fell off the face of the Earth a while ago, and not just on the blogging planet. But in everything. The things I typically find joy in, I wasn’t doing. Now, I wasn’t avoiding them because I have some ‘I should have no joy’ complex. Just the opposite actually. I was trying to be sure that what I enjoyed wasn’t a way for me to attempt to control things or a dependency problem.

Outcome?

It’s not (only) a way for me to be aware of what’s going on, it’s also the way God wired me. I enjoy administrative tasks because it’s one way God designed me to experience joy. I enjoy leading because it’s one of God’s ways for me to experience joy. I enjoy touching others because it’s a way I experience joy. I enjoy being excited and upbeat when greeting or re-greeting others because… you get the picture. Problem solved.

I know it only took you about 30 seconds to read that, but that took me weeks, no, months to identify and then deal with. Months! 5, if you want to know. I had to think back to WHY I ever stopped doing those things. WHY I ever made the decision to tone down, water down, dumb down those parts of myself. It started with some careless comments, but also included explicit examples of what was not needed. Not that I am against advice, or hate correction, because I don’t desire to be stupid or offensive. But I took those opinions and words with NO salt and directly applied them to my every behavior. I began to second guess how I greeted people, whether my touch upset someone, was my voice too loud?

Ever since then, it’s been getting worse. And I don’t mean to sound above anyone or superior because I know that we all hold equal value, but I wasn’t made that way. I wasn’t made to align myself with the middle. I wasn’t created to assimilate my personality with those around me. I wasn’t made to meet the median in the middle and never deviate. And neither were you.

So, I’m over it. I’m over being silenced in mood, behavior and speech. Over it. The lie has been discovered and will be henceforth eliminated. I don’t have to listen to that. And I darn sure don’t have to believe it. Is there wisdom in discretion? Yes. In fact, discretion is the better part of valor. But I will no longer be diminishing my behavior across the board by off-handed words spoken by people I love and appreciate without testing it.

So, here’s to bringing pushed back, name-called, ignored Lexi back to the forefront. May God work through me.