I don’t like to get too close to people. It is actually a very, very small number, that I will even let know they’re in. Seeing as how I’m the only one looking out for myself, I get to be selective about who does and does not pass inspection.

But you know what being emotionless allows me? Besides not being hurt by other people’s mistakes and transgressions, it allows me a barrier. It makes it so I don’t have to feel the horrible things going on around me, like shootings and rapes and hunger. The choice between falling in love and not feeling that? It’s an easy decision. I don’t know why more people don’t choose it.

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That’s the old me. She still yaps now and then, and there’s even moments where I completely agree with  her. But she believes lies. She chooses to not feel. She runs.

Now, there’s no more running. Well, no more running away, at least. And it hurts to feel. Like a searing white blade across my chest. It makes me uncomfortable, and restless. I no longer think those are negative side effects. They serve the purpose of demanding action, change, a restoration to comfort. Sometimes, our actions to make ourselves more comfortable actually benefit others.

I’m restless. I’m uncomfortable. Some moments, I’m downright in pain. It hurts to feel. I still don’t see what all the fuss is about. So far, the only plus I’ve seen is that it keeps me from talking, because, again, my brain has yet to master the idea that crying is not tantamount to strangulation (we’ll get there). For now, feeling just hurts. It sears. But, I’m in. I’m in. Maybe it’ll feel different tomorrow, or the next day. Or maybe it’ll hurt until the day I die. But God didn’t create me without emotions, without the ability to empathize, so I can’t justify throwing it away, no matter how much I think I’m entitled. Just because I was intentionally hurt, doesn’t mean I get to walk away from all the other emotions in the world. Just because I was betrayed, doesn’t mean everyone will betray me. I’m over-generalizing, like a child. And if I want to grow up, know more, do more, have more, then I need to think like an adult. And healthy, growing adults don’t keep people away because they’re scared of feeling something, anything, good or bad. I want to grow up. I want to know what it’s like to know and love without fear.

I am in. And I AM is with me.