Well, I partially sated my urge to cry. But, I didn’t come by it by some deep revelation, or reading my Bible, or even really thinking on what has bothered me for so long. This stage brought its tears. A family member was killed in a car accident. I have never, never had someone who I knew well pass away. But, I knew him. I knew this one. When I was told, I didn’t really respond. I didn’t know how to grieve, as I never had to, allowed myself to do it before. It was days before I really thought on it. Almost two weeks before I cried. Then I cried for hours. I had seen him for the last times. My kids would never know him. My husband will never meet him. He will never tell me another joke. Those things hurt. Those things ache. I keep finding myself crying about that (even now), but I still haven’t shaken the deep-seated weeping instinct.

I have been sick. Pretty sick. I won’t go into it, but, my doctor hasn’t shown much worry or given me cause to. Until he panics, I won’t. We’ll take it as it comes.

I’ve been struggling. Struggling to keep people in the loop, to remember to connect, to reach out. Both in spite of and in response to my current concerns. My default profile is low. When all is not well, I stay under the radar. Repeating what’s going on, especially something I have no control over, is not my idea of a fun time. Especially when I have to do all the calling and tracking people down. It’s easier to just not mention it. Trying to break that cycle sucks, especially when I don’t necessarily care to tell the person on the other end of the phone.

Due to being ill, I stopped the fasting I had begun, which varied from the one projected in my last entry. I don’t even know how much I want to delve into these things. Right now, I’m riding the wave of initial shock. I don’t know how long to take to digest what has happened. Is there a proper time to stop grieving, stop crying, stop thinking on what is wrong with me.

I have made some progress with the subject of much of my latest posts. It’s frustrating going, and we’re not on the same page quite a bit, but, you know, I don’t know what else to do. Right now, I’m ‘going with it.’ Whatever that means. I’m trying to be responsible and wise, and for some reason, the two things never give clear outlines for exactly what they mean. What I would give for a bullet-pointed game plan. Complete with alternate scenarios and backup plans.

What else? Music. Oh, I’ve fallen for music all over again. Specifically, country music. I forgot just how much music can improve or embody my mood. It’s been nice to get back to old songs and discover new tunes that help me process. Sometimes, another person’s words say what I couldn’t yet put down. It’s kind of nice, but mostly just compounds what is already rolling around within me. Anyway, it helps for sure.

So, not very cheery, but an update nonetheless. I hope you’re well.