We can’t be best friends. What am I going to do when my best friend finds a new best friend and then marries them? That’s not wise or fair. And it makes me want to reach out, strike out, clutch at what I know I can have. They never rejected me. They were always steady, always solid. I didn’t have to try to make them chase. I didn’t want the chase. I just wanted the steady. I just wanted the strong hand. How can I not have that? How can that not work for us? Where shall I go?

I’m mourning for you. I’m mourning for what was beginning to be a really great gig. Us as best friends makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me…I can be me. So far there has only been one other recently who allows room for me. Who allows room for me to be ridiculous. Who can voice their desires and still be solid behind mine. WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK THERE? Why can’t you? Where are you? How oblivious have you been and how willing was I?

Why can’t I have you? What’s wrong with our interaction? And why are you pushing so hard for it? Why now? All this future orientation, all of a sudden. How are you so blind? Are you not seeing where we fall in that future? Or are you intentionally gearing that way? Is there some message I don’t want to see? Is there some slight of hand happening? Who are you? From where do you hail? What are your plans? Where are you heading? What part do I play in this drama? And do you care.