So, I’m not really sure where to start. Uh. This past week and weekend has been a lot. A lot of everything.

I got a lot done in a very short time. And really, most of it wasn’t even accomplished by me.

I opened up to folks about what was going on with and inside of me.

I stopped hiding (a little) what my emotions were.

I put my thoughts out for others (quite a group) to see.

I tried, really hard, to cut down on being cryptic with S.T.

I spoke about my *actual* feelings! (I’m talking 2 or 3 FULL sentences, here, people!)

I got to put on a dress. Go out. Know he’d love me in it.

I was able to picnic and permitted to blush.

I opened wide the throttle on his bike and startled, laughing in my utter delight.

I was allowed to experience someone looking forward to and enjoying my company.

I got to look into someone’s eyes and clearly see their words.

I got to enjoy another with no script.

I did my hair and put on jewelry. Anticipating the light in his glance.

I lit up when he smiled at me. (And don’t get me started on that wink.)

I learned to not be afraid. I’m not fully fearless, but some HUGE gains were made. I wasn’t afraid. I took a chance, trusted the hands that promised to catch me, and walked freely. I stopped fearing the worst. I stopped fearing the best. I wasn’t scared of the feelings that were shown to me (alright, maybe just a little scared). I quit running from the feelings that were inside of me. I’m still processing all that they are (what a tangle!) but it’s freeing.

I let myself feel. Let myself be faulty. Let myself be peeked into by someone I just had to trust. I mean, wow. In, what, 2 days, the sheer amount of information and opportunity I processed and experienced is astounding.

There’s a lot more to say. But my heart’s not ready for all of it. Like I said, still processing.

But you know what I’m done processing? Regret.

Man, I so wanted to give this a shot, because I could no longer live in ‘what if’ land.

What if it worked? What if it failed? What if it was so breath-taking I never recovered? What if I never had a chance? What if S.T. wasn’t willing? What is he was? What if I got burned? What if he did? What if I missed out on this great thing? What if I was meant to show him something? What if I learned something about myself? What if I let him learn something about me?

This kid dug. He wasn’t scared of me. He wasn’t scared of me being scared of me. He wasn’t scared of feeling. Of going deeper. Of knowing. And he patiently baby-stepped me into tasting his world. And what a world it is.

I learned that he is an incredible man. Better even than I originally thought. One that deserved the honor and respect and openness I so frequently denied him. I learned that I don’t always have to lead. That there are those out there who need no prompting to do and say what needs doing and saying. I learned that, though it doesn’t work, I’ve found someone I can trust. It is so, so good to have tried and failed and survived. And to emerge finally knowing that fear is so over-rated. So pumped up. It wasn’t so hard. It’s actually a fairly easy muscle to flex when the one standing beside you is steady and strong and smirking.

If this is romantic love. If this is what it’s like to really love. If that is what comes with it, that elicit abandon, that calm hope, then maybe, just maybe, this marriage stuff isn’t for the birds.

For those 2 days, I was unafraid. For those 2 days, I was wide-eyed. For those 2 days, I never caught my breath. For those 2 days, I lived.

 

*edits made 6/17/13