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Expressing

Today is day two of pumping.
Day two of expressing.
Day two of producing bountiful amounts of breast milk.
My body responding to the changes.
The changes that come with bearing down and birthing.
Birthing another soul into the bright, chilly atmosphere of life apart.
It is going well. The pumping.
The storing of liquid gold for a child.
A child I don’t have. Not with me.
I have this child. I have had this child.
But he is not WITH me. He is physically absent.
This son’s soul is with Abba. His empty vessel a few miles away.
But, I am pumping, expressing, storing.
For a child. A child I don’t have.
For a child in need. Perhaps like my own Charlie.
And I will continue to squeeze and freeze and squeeze and freeze.
For a child. A child someone has.
A precious, precious, incredible soul someone has.

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I gave birth today. Not 21 hours ago, I had a little one in my womb. Not 30 hours ago, I felt him moving around.
But, I gave birth today. At least 4 months, too soon. There would have been a small chance if only he had less than 2 more weeks inside of me.
So, I gave birth today. It had been a very scary 36 or so hours. Oh, I can’t tell you how I miss him. I gave birth today. To a little boy with his daddy’s face. To a little boy with the tiniest, softest fingernails your ever did see. To a little boy already loved, already a character, already named.

I never thought I would give birth today. It had been a picture perfect pregnancy. I had very few symptoms, and really enjoyed feeling his movements. I had recently taken to calling the baby “Thumper” because he would bump around so quick and strong that it felt like an adult thumping me.

I gave birth to a piece of my heart today. And it didn’t beat. And it didn’t respond to my kisses or my touch.
I gave birth to a part of me I didn’t know I could care for so much. Goodness, what a feeling. To see one of your greatest loves, and know that he was beyond your reach. It seems like such a simple thing to ask his heart to beat. If only it would beat.

So, I gave birth, this day, to my firstborn, precious son. And he is loved. And he is missed. And he is with Our Father in heaven. But what I wouldn’t give, this moment, to have seen his chest rise, just once. To know he knew my voice outside of the womb. To look at my husband and say, “That is so your nose.” with nothing but delight in my voice.

I gave birth today. It was not on my terms, my timeline or my birth plan, but I did it. What in the world is nearly as precious as a child living, growing, rolling inside of you? What joy has been ours, that he kicked Daddy’s hands and snuggled in Mommy’s pelvis. That he bounced around when hungry so much had became known by it.

I gave birth to such JOY. In the pushing, in the struggle, in that position, our family gave birth to so much more. We gave birth to hope, to faith, to trust. I have never felt stronger in my marriage. I have never been more secure in the love I have for my husband. I have never been more sure of God’s plan to make us one flesh.

In the wee hours of the morning, with my closest friend beside me, I birthed a marvelous creation. A son any father would be proud to have. A firstborn among his siblings. A first in this household. He will always be the one who taught us how to better pray for our family. He will always be the one who first captured my heart in those little (and big) thumps. He will always be our little man. Our Vroom, Vroom. Our CAR. Our Charlie.

It seems such a selfish thing, to want more than a heart has room for, to bring home the life that has been birthed through you. That life has always been on loan to you. Our children are never fully ours. They belong to God, just like us. And today, that wisdom was etched in our hearts,  my husband and I. We know, with a deep sorrow, what it means to hold with open hands. What it means to trust Him fully. What it means to balk, to weep, to moan, to grieve, when those open hands come back empty.

How strange to return home from delivery with an empty womb, empty arms and full heart. This little boy has stretched my understanding of love beyond what seems reasonable. His father has shown me how a faithful man conducts himself, when his wife is birthing a child with no heartbeat. He is gracious and he is loving and he is kind and he is patient. And I walked deeper in love with him after each deep breath he breathed with me, each moment the words, “I am so proud of you. You are doing such a good job. I love you so much. You are brave and strong. Thank you for being mine.” left his lips, every time something scary or messy or potentially embarrassing happened and he held me, and never turned away. This man leaves no room for fear. This man leaves no room for doubt.

I gave birth today. And though our home does not hold the sound of a tiny crying baby. Though our minds are weighted with understanding the next steps. Though our time with our son was shorter than we ever wanted. We are parents. We bore and bear the mark of loving someone so  small, society doesn’t deem them as important as larger humans. We know better. We agreed before, but we know now. Our little guy made us parents. Our fighting man brought us into a category of life unfathomable.

We gave birth today. We gave birth to the assurance that our home will always be one where we welcome children. Where we celebrate their every moment. Where we deposit and sprout and shout JOY and LOVE. There will be the joy of their life with us, the love of a Father who knows no limits when it comes to the good of His children, the love of family and the peace that surpasses all understanding.

May you know Him, as He desires to be known.

Lord, I don’t like this part of being human. Can you please take it away?
“Is it not enough to know, my child, that Jesus felt the same?
“No, I just can’t take it. I’m tearing them apart.
“Who?” Anyone who has a claim on this fallen, broken heart.
I have so many recent problems, so many grumblings in my soul
“Coming through the fire, love, is a way to make you whole.”
It sure doesn’t feel like fire. Just emotions and pure doubt.
It only seems to hurt him more when I let the feelings out.
I am so sick of crying, I have wet my bed with tears.
How is it that he must not stray, for dozens of coming years?
Why stay when the words from the mouth of his sweet, young bride
Make dangerous the path to share. Why anything but hide?
What benefit is it to him, to be assaulted by my words?
When from his lips he fast declares the thoughts themselves absurd?
How graceless I have been, oh Lord. How uncaring, unkind.
Why, it may be safe to say I am losing my mind.
The salt and water, sorrow comes, it seems most every night.
I clutch my pillow in despair, bemoan the loss of light.
How can I subject those I love to such terrible fate?
How can I, should I, must avoid instilling in him, hate?

Recap: My love

My lover’s name means “Gift of God.”

Goodness, I could not agree more. In the nearly 2 months since we vowed our lives before God and man, he has been an incredible gift. He soothes and calms me. He calls and claims me. He corrects and rebukes me. All with patience. All with love.

As he dozes beside me on our new couch *squeal* and I listen to his steady breathing, I am thankful. Thankful that the Lord of the universe, so incredibly holy and yet so personal, continues to gift me. I deserve no thing. No single thing. Yet, I have many.

Praise God, from whom all blessing flow. His love for me, evident in his love for me, overwhelms my soul. God bless.

Drive

I went for a drive tonight. It wasn’t terribly long. Clocking in under an hour.

Why go for a drive? I was disappointed. A touch overwhelmed.

I mean, I’m pretty much in a land-locked city. So, gone was the option of the beach in its consistent crashing. Away was the hope of watching a river pass beneath my feet. But, I needed something that moved. And the car is the fastest thing I’ve got.

So. I went for a drive. How was it? Meh. I noticed a few more businesses and the like around my block. I drove until I saw a street name I recognized. I passed that Wal-Mart that I will never visit again.

I was asked tonight, “What do you want to do?”

My answer was, “Go away.”

That is what the drive was a teensy bit like for me tonight. I still had to come back. I am still limited on just how far and fast and frequently I can go. But, alas, tonight: I went. I was away. And during that short drive, I felt away. I was just as indifferent as the next guy.

certain

Certain things are lost in the bustle of the planning
certain touches dropped
subtle shifting of the handing

certain thoughts are thought in the midst of ceremony
certain words get flopped
subtle feelings are so lonely

certain tears may fall when the tone seems uncaring
certainly hard to stop
subtle tempers get to flaring

certain eyes are lowered when burdens seem inherent
certain comments shock
subtle meaning no deterring

certain ways are bruised when the heavy comes to play
certain minds are rocked
subtle comments kept at bay

Open

I open my eyes and he’s gone

Too startled to be upset

A fear touches me and i panic

unsure of exactly what happens next

I open my eyes and he’s gone

But a memory of what was just real

My core trembles quick

And i am scared to feel, to feel, to Feel.

I open my eyes and he’s gone

I return how i started, alone

And there’s no way he knows

What ways can i show

What absence does to my ozone.

The force

It’s as if you hum along,
and the force blindsides you, right?
Like, first there is no warning,
then bam! without a fight.

Or, you’re talking to a buddy
and they make a sly request
before you can even prepare
the force is on your chest.

Maybe when you’re arguing
you feel a certain tug
lo, behold, see that darn force
had gone and pulled the rug.

Perhaps you are out and about,
remember a lapsed task
and the force declares you must
amend, or face the wrath.

You’re munching, happy, on a meal,
feel the atmosphere change
the force had come and damned your fun
and you don’t even know its name.

The force is sneaky, yes indeed.
It leaves no calling card.
Only the truth that by abuse
your learning will be hard.

Can one understand the force?
Perhaps, with pointed looks.
In the now, we force the bow
and slyly cook the books.

You’re changing me. Just today? I noticed that not only am I getting a little accustomed to spicy food, I actually like some of it. Stressing the *some* part, here. And, when I am becoming so focused on things of little significance, your relaxed attitude helps me to put those small things into perspective, even if the initial blush scratches me. How about, when we are running around, and you suggest a pause for a quiet lunch? Because you packed a picnic? And we visit our park? You told me before that you ‘unlocked the bowler’ in me. But, love, I think you have unlocked a great deal more.

You are teaching me to really laugh at myself. To understand and trust the motivation of others, even if their temporary actions might suggest different. To love God more. To really, truly, love God more. And not be ashamed about it. You are changing even the way I view couples. The way I see you in our relationship. The way we handle any situation, and how you encourage me to rely on you. You are changing my mind about how to truly be dependable, and how that doesn’t just mean on time.

Thank you, lover. Thank you for being and doing and saying and living beside me. I am absolutely thrilled to become, and remain, your wife.

I love you,

Truly yours

May Marathon

Well, I guess you feel you deserve an update, huh? fine, fine.

Where to begin? Well, I MOVED! Yes, again. I now live in beautiful central Florida. God granted me a pretty awesome job where I am a Supervisor, and I love it! I work with a great team, helping loads of people every day. The office atmosphere is light and I am productive as I have ever been.

I am staying with family until August. Why August? Because my incomprehensibly amazing fiancé found us an apartment! The lease starts in August, so I get to live alone for 6 weeks! After that, I gain a permanent roommate in my love. I am over the moon about it!

What else? Gosh, I’ve really been slacking on wedding planning. The Wedding Planner has been awesome, but I have to buckle down. There is still much to do, but the most pressing matters were taken care of months ago. Praise!

Hm, I think that is it for now. That ought to hold you over for a few more weeks. I will try to post again soon! Maybe even something that rhymes…